The opinions, conspiracy theories, regular theories, and pseudo-facts in this article are not necessarily shared or believed by the rest of the Grind Syndicate. They are the sole creation of the overly connective neurons of Doctor Jeff and his slightly twisted mind (hell, even he sometimes doesn’t even believe it, he’s just writing it to stir shit up). The Doc does not confirm or deny that anything in here is actually fact, because even if he were to site a well respected or not so well respected source – they also could be lying and/or wrong, . However, the contents herein will hopefully make you look at the world in a different way, give you something to think about, entertain the enlightened, and most definitely anger the brooding masses.
WoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Has everyone recovered from all the immortality talk from last week? I’m still not sure if I should shoot myself in the face to turn into an alternate universe superhero. So far, I’ve decided against it (only in this universe, there are infinite universes where I shoot myself and die, and then there are other infinite universes where I shoot myself and live – alternate universe super powers like a motherfuck!). Anyways, onward and upward: Immortality is last week’s news. This week we need to tackle something a little more…….currently relevant. As many of you know, it’s Valentines this week. Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyygofuckyourselfaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy. Valentines is the Christmas of romance but with less reindeer and eggnog. Plus, everyone can participate in this particular brand of forced capitalism, not just the Christians and Christmas wannabes. So, there’s that. Valentines is commercial bullshit where people are forced to be romantic instead of being romantic on their own. Blah, blah, blah. We already covered all this ground during the Christmas article that you must have read. Right? Right? Right. There’s no point in going over all those pearls of wisdom again. Even though I’m a hopeless romantic……
(Hold on, stop the presses. So. I just went to use a public restroom. And someone before me had for some reason shit in the very front part of the inside of the toilet bowl. Public toilets are more shallow than a home toilet and since this shit wasn’t in the actual pool of water in the toilet – it wasn’t flushing. I tried. Plus it was like some strange consistency. Just terribleness. Please people, learn how to shit right if you’re going to use a public restroom. Hmmmm, possible topic for future Doc’s Conspiracy Corner. Alright, back to our regularly scheduled program)
…..in a world where romance is either dead or has been deformed, manufactured, and partially hydrogenated to the point that it only ever so slightly differentiates itself from prostitution. I could write a whole article about the bullshit “love” has become, but I already had an idea lined up that’s a little more interesting and thought provoking. But before we start with all that, we (the royal ‘we’) need to give some context. Going all the way back to when Doc was a 19 year old student. I wasn’t (officially) Doc yet, I was a normal person, just like you (probably not like you). At the time, I was studying biomedical engineering because it sounded more bad-ass than the other majors. During that summer, I read a book that ended up changing the entire course of my life (and history for that matter) – How the Mind Works by Steven Pinker. It was an exceptionally interesting book. Steven Pinker, I would later find out, is one of the most read nonfiction authors and a big deal in the world of psychology, linguistics, and neuroscience. How the Mind Works is basically a complete and total introduction to cognitive neuroscience. Cognitive neuroscience, for those of you that don’t know, is an academic field concerned with the scientific study of biological substrates underlying cognition, with a specific focus on the neural substrates of mental processes. Yes, I did just boost that definition off of Wikipedia, just so it would be a little more official. Basically, cognitive neuroscience tries to explain your psychological behavior, and also tries to explain why and how you are able to do different tasks. In some ways it binds together the entire field of neuroscience and borrows from their research. It dabbles in computational neuroscience, neurobiology, and neuro-anatomy but doesn’t go into depth in any of those domains.
For instance, and most appropriately for this discussion, why do people love each other? Like, why? A scientist can’t say that cupid shot someone with an arrow or it was the will of Xochiquetzal (one of the Aztec Goddesses of Love). They need measurements, experiments, numbers, models, theories, and hypothesiseseseesses. No, ancient gods and cherub archery just won’t do. What they’ve ascertained is that love is the product of wanting your genes to succeed. A good place to start in understanding this theory, is that people love family members (for the most part). A mother loves her child. That’s because that child has her genes. She will sacrifice herself for that child because she wants her genes to succeed. In some way, I guess it wouldn’t actually make sense for the child to love the mother because her genes are already used up and not going to progress the genetic line in the same way. Maybe it’s necessary for the child to love the mother back, so that she will continue to love the child. Or the child learns this love from the mother and just reciprocates. Anyways, in theory, you love your family members because they all have similar genes. You kinda like people because they’re genes are more similar to yours than a banana (but not by much). You end up loving the person who you have children with, because that makes a better family unit and gives your genes a better chance to succeed. One conclusion you can infer from this is that if you love one of your pets, you’re probably a psychopath and Darwin would be very disappointed in you. The researchers who push this theory like to use the word “love” because it’s a little bit more interesting. However, Love is a fairly new invention and somewhat difficult to define. Caring for another person is a lot more ancient and basic, which suggests that “caring” should be the terminology used instead of “love” – so that’s what I’m gonna do…… sometimes. Also, mother/child love/care seems to be fairly strong – for the most part. However, the love between two people that are going to have children seems to be kind of weak these days. Divorce rates are pretty goddamn high (probably more of a product of our shit society than anything the kid did, but you never know, kids kinda suck), which means that people must not care enough about there genes as much as the researchers would like you to think. Regardless, scientists have a theory for the origination of love and it is based in genetics and evolution. Actually, these theories all fall under a subsection of cognitive neuroscience, called evolutionary cognitive neuroscience. Evolutionary cognitive neuroscience, which is mainly about how our brains and shit developed over the years due to survival of the fittest and the Galapagos islands, explains why we’re such a mess of human beings today (not taken from Wikipedia surprisingly). Got all that? Good, you’re now prepared to handle this next theory – as much as possible.
Contraception causes people in a relationship to hate each other BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!! Allow me to explain. If scientists can use evolutionary cognitive neuroscience to understand love, I’m going to use it to explain why relationships go to shit for the most part. In THEORY, if a man and a woman are having sex with each other and the woman isn’t getting pregnant, then they will end up rejecting each other on a subconscious level. Which is why couples fight all the time. If you listen to what some scientists are saying, most of our motivation for just about everything is to produce successful offspring so that our genes will live on. That should apply here, if two people aren’t able to have a baby together then they should reject each other (I know that they can actually have a baby and just choose not to, but our bodies are stupid and probably don’t understand concepts like planned parenthood)
This is why you should have sex.
I can already tell that you’re not buying this whole line of thinking. You know how I know? Because this isn’t the first time I’ve made this point. Every time I put this theory out there, the idea is basically rejected. I’m not totally sure why. As far as I can tell, it makes perfect sense. However, I am a trained cognitive neuroscientist, so it’s possible that most of these people that reject my theories are too ignorant to understand such things. From what I gather, they tend to confuse the concept of conscious and subconscious. They also don’t tend to get the difference between the evolutionary purpose of something and what society has done with it.
If you’re in your reproductive prime, then you’re supposed to be having kids. Now, I realize that this isn’t actually what most of you feel or think. A lot of you don’t currently want to have kids and you possibly/probably don’t want to have kids with the person you’re currently fucking. Again, a lot of these reasons for not wanting children are based on present day society and all of its inherent bullshit. But back when we didn’t have rent to pay or stupid toys to buy and were hunting gazelles on the open plain – having kids was what was up. We really don’t live in a society where having kids is a great idea in a lot of situations. As we’ve already covered, kids are fucking morons, they’re expensive, they need someone to take care of them even though both parents need to work to make it in this world. You might be thinking that you want kids but just not right now. And that’s all fine and good, but that’s not how your body was built.
Basically, right around the time when you went through puberty, your body decided it was time for you to reproduce. The reason sex feels good, is because sex is meant for having babies and evolution was good to people who enjoyed having sex and consequently, having babies. The reason you’re attracted to a woman is because she looks fertile. The reason you’re attracted to a man is because he looks fertile ….and also looks like he could provide for a baby. A lot of our reasons for being attracted to someone is based on having babies (again, not consciously, but subconsciously) because…..well……that’s what sex is really for, at least at its core. We’ve actually moved fairly far away from that as a society. It’s highly acceptable for people to date/fuck/lust other people without the dating/fucking/lusting based on having a child. And it’s possible that this is causing us all to be even more unhappy than we realize. It makes every kind of sense, that if two people are having sex and they aren’t procreating, then there should be something deep down on a subconscious level, causing them to reject their respective mate(s). If one of the most important motivations for everything we do in life, is to procreate and have successful offspring, then you should definitely reject someone that you are having sex with but not procreating with. It is, in a word, unnatural.
This is what sex is for.
Again, this rejection does not happen on a conscious level, it’s all below the surface. Think about it. You ever start dating someone and everything is great and you’re totally gaga over each other, but then after awhile you can’t fucking stand them? You loathe them. You just want to get away. That’s your body telling you to find another mate that you can have a child with. Your body is dumb, it doesn’t know that you want your cake and to eat it too. In a way, we’ve cheated the system. Having sex was for making babies, and since making babies is so important, it felt good. We’ve bypassed the baby part to go right to the feel-good part. The Karmatic powers of improper fucking can be a bitch. In the original incarnation of this theory, it was the woman who is the instigator of the rejection. There are a couple of reasons for this. Women are the ones who get pregnant, so their bodies would realize that they aren’t getting pregnant. Also, women can be crazy bitches sometimes. The current theory doesn’t contain this gender restriction, but we’ll see how things develop. Now! What’s a horny mo-fucker supposed to do in a world of subconscious rejection due to contraception sexual intercourse? Here are a few options:
The List of Suitable Options for Horny Mo-Fuckers in a World of Subconscious Rejection Due to Contraception Sexual Intercourse
- Have one night stands and very short term relationships. These problems and unhappinesses should, in theory, only manifest themselves after months of fucking. So, for instance, fucking someone for a night or even a couple of months and then calling it quits, should be safe. Also, long term relationships without procreation are in some ways bullshit. That love/care you feel for each other is meant for two parents that are about to have kids. Parents can be helped by monogamy because they have kids to raise together and the man wants to know that the kids he’s raising are his and the woman doesn’t want him having kids with some other hoochie that he needs to put resources into. But if you’re young and not looking to have kids, monogamy is kind of a joke – which is why so many people treat it that way.
- Have sex solely for procreation purposes. That’s… actually what sex is for. Now, I know this sounds crazy. Mainly for two reasons. Sex feels awesome (when you do it right) and everyone else is doing it and says that you should do it. Of course there are counter arguments. Yes, sex feels good, but I’m sure smoking crack and eating deep fried Twinkies (RIP Twinkies) sundaes are great sensory experiences, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. Am I comparing crack and unhealthy food to sex? Well, yeah. They’re not the exact same thing (which is why there are different terms for them) but the conceptual problems they could be causing are similar. They’re all potentially short sighted enjoyment for long term unhappiness. Researchers show that the later you wait for sex and the fewer partners you have, the happier you are with who you end up with. So there’s that.
- Bang your brains out and have some kids. In some ways this is worse than smoking that crack and eating the deep fried Twinkies sundae. To begin with, I really can’t handle the idea of people reproducing more than what we’re already faced with. (Shuddder.) All of the pre-stated reasons as to why having kids is a downer and having them can be difficult apply. Also, almost everyone seems to want to have sex. However, it seems like very few people are qualified to raise children in the 21st century. That’s kind of big deal.
- Don’t have sex! What? Bullshit?! Nonsense?! “Yo dawg, if I can’t fuck, I might as well just chop my dick off and die. Naw, naaaaaawwwww, not having it. If you don’t use it, you lose it” Settle down, everyone. I’m only saying that you shouldn’t have penis to vagina intercourse. There are other ways to have a good time without dick going into a pussy. There’s kissing, heavy petting, sensual massage, deep throat blow-jobs, eating out that pussy, sticking it in her butt, rusty trombones……and possibly finger banging (the jury is still out on whether or not that would cause similar problems). In reality though, I really would need more data to find out if this is a viable course of action. Although you know the difference between a mouth, hand, vagina, butt-hole, nostril, and bellybutton– your subconscious may not. Proceed at your own risk.
There may be other options, but that’s the best I can come up with so far. You could continue on your current course of banging the same person over and over in a monogamous relationship while not having any kids and contributing to the asexuality of the fish population (Chicks piss out some of the chemicals in their birth control pills, which ends up in the ocean, and its fuxing with the fish…….think of the fish!!!!!). However, now that you’ve been properly informed of the dangers of non procreative sex, if you continue with the same practice in spite of knowing the repercussions and effects – you’ll be labeled a crazy person and could end up in a mental institute. Thankfully, you can tune in next week to Doc’s conspiracy corner to learn more about mental health in America.
As for the perpetrators behind this weeks conspiracy – good got’damn are there a lot of them. Let’s see, we have the divorce lawyers union (that exists right), sheep herders, dating websites, condom manufacturers, couples therapists, the pharmaceutical companies, Maury Povich, and the cognitive neuroscientists of the world. Not only is the information being hidden from people, they’re also brainwashing everyone into not being able to recognize the truth when it’s staring at them in the tits, I mean face, yeah, face is much better. I’m not sure if they’re working in conjunction with each other or if it’s separate shadow rogue operations. Either way, they’ve succeeded. We live in a country, nay, world, full of fuckers that hate each other. Bravo. Bravo…….
Oh yeah, and if you’re wondering why people fight even after they’ve had kids – that’s just because they’re a couple of asshat jerkfaces. No conspiracy needed. Happy Valentines Day ❤
Doctor Jeff, when he’s not busy being that crazy white guy on the street corner, wearing nothing but a sign bearing the coming of the apocalypse, is a moviemaker. For more into his crazy mind, check out Revolutionary Productions, and make sure to stay posted for his weekly edition, Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner!