Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner: In the future, we’re going to be biologically immortal or become cyborgs. Which one is it? Or both?

The opinions, conspiracy theories, regular theories, and pseudo-facts in this article are not necessarily shared or believed by the rest of the Grind Syndicate.  They are the sole creation of the overly connective neurons of Doctor Jeff and his slightly twisted mind  (hell, even he sometimes doesn’t even believe it, he’s just writing it to stir shit up).  The Doc does not confirm or deny that anything in here is actually fact, because even if he were to site a well respected or not so well respected source – they also could be lying and/or wrong, .  However, the contents herein will hopefully make you look at the world in a different way, give you something to think about, entertain the enlightened, and most definitely anger the brooding masses.

Alright Ladies and Gentlemen, if you haven’t tuned in to Doc’s Conspiracy Corner yet, that’s fine…..no problem. The posts have been a little weak so far. I am still getting warmed up, my conspiracy juices just started flowing. I am shaking off some theoretical rust, and of course dealing with THE MAN trying to keep me down. Social contracts and Santa, meh, OK. Parking meters? Come on! Parking meters are so last year’s conspiracy theories. No, we’re in full on nonsense and conspiracy mode now. Strap on your prefabricated aluminum alloy helmets, take a hit off that hybrid strain double fat blunt, pour yourself a Bud Light into a highball glass, put this song on repeat, and prepare to have your understanding of the world reconfigured and then discombobulated and then rebobulated again. Warning: this blog post may boil the gelatin in your eyeballs, cause your spinal fluid to run backwards, and/or make your toes curl sideways.

I’m not trying to alarm anyone, but if you’re not aware of these technological advancements yet, it’s about time you educate yourself. In the past few years, more and more scientists are claiming that we’re going to live for 150 years, 1000 years, or possibly be immortal. You read that right, mof*cking immortal. Now, these aren’t your crazy crackpot scientists – well some of them are. The fine men and women behind these claims are regular, boring, supposedly correct scientists. You know, the kind people trust. Instead of just conjuring up ideas of grandeur out of thin air, they’re basing these predictions on some of the most current medical technology. For starters, I guess they’ve just been printing 3d organs for a while now. So, if you’re sick or missing an organ or something and you want a new one, they can make you a bladder and/or liver, fairly easily and quickly. Using some of your cells grown in culture and template bio-material to create a structure, these 3d printed organs are about to be the new must have item. Bio-materials are strung together like cotton candy and then baked, all in some organ oven contraption (their words not mine, surprisingly).

Easy bake organs, now available at your local convenience store, right next to the socks for huffing paint and the new and improved esoteric cracker jack flavors!”

They’re also mapping out and understanding the human genome at increasingly faster rate. Yes, we really haven’t seen too many awesome things out of these madmen of science so far. They grew an ear on a mouse and cloned a sheep, but, so what? At some point, you figure they have to use all the genome info to do some next level shit. Except when they’re not, and we find out they’ve been wrong about a few things. Just when you think all these science folks can do is come up with some new great shit, they discover quadruple helices DNA. If you remember your high school biology, the DNA helices have been of the double variety up until now. What a shame, geneticists. How am I supposed to deal with two new helices? Will my cloned pets take twice as long to deliver?

science

Science.

On the more productive and progressive side of things, they also got a mouse that usually lives 3 years to live for 5 years by messing with his genes. That’s two extra years. Now extrapolate that in human years. That’s like 50 years! Bam! Great! You get 50 more years after your initial eighty, because everyone needs to live past 100. And of course, there are always stem cells. Stem cells are to scientists what crack is to the hood. They love that shit, and it’s mad illegal. They gush about all the amazing things that could be done with stem cells if George Dubya hadn’t put the legislative kibosh on them. The point is, they’re cooking up some mutant/clone/zombie/vampire experiments in those high priced fancy pants labs. Oh, and what’s that? They’re now combining the power of 3d printing organs with stem cells. It was only a matter of time. Genetic manipulation…..one day it won’t be for just mice, sheep, and tomatoes…it’ll be for YOU!

Here are few ideas to keep in mind as you wade into these immortal/vampire/zombie times. Number 1, Doc has done been talking about this for over a decade now. Nobody would believe him before. ‘Oh, Doc, that’s just another one of your wild ideas.’ But now that fools on TED and Time magazine say it, everyone accepts it as being pseudo fact instead of just crackpot nonsense. Blasphemy, I tell you. Been there, done that, am already onto the next shit. But here’s the interesting part: One of the reasons that the Doc believed in this extended life expectancy theory were the already increasing life expectancy. You see, it wasn’t that long ago (a few centuries) that average people only lived until they were 30 (damn, I’d be dead already…on average). So if you extrapolate(this blog post requires a lot of extrapolation, it is good for your liver, so don’t worry) that, you see that we’re going to live longer, and since we’re living longer, we’re going to be there when they come up with even better advances. In theory, people who were alive now, will on average, live substantially longer than our current average life expectancy. Duh, it’s just math. However, there’s actually even more to this story. As it turns out, that increase in average life expectancy thing is a bit different than you think. We used to have more wars and the wars killed more people, and more sicknesses that would kill babies and little kids (like polio and a touch of the rheumatism – vaccine truthers say this is bullshit. Who am I to disagree/agree with them? They have Jenny McCarthy on their side). But once you get past the age of like 18 and weren’t part of a war (or made it through unscathed) or missed out on that great plague thing, you could live a long time. Most of the current causes of death that hit people in their mid to older ages are byproducts of our current society. Heart disease and cancer being primary (also, as it turns out, cars aren’t as safe as you think they are). The sophistication it takes to develop a technology that will cure people also makes us sophisticated enough to fuck up the earth and our environment, which in turn kills us. Until we can prove to be technologically advanced, while also not poisoning and polluting everything, we can’t pretend like medical trends are all upwards and onwards. So don’t completely believe it when people use life expectancy data to back up their claims we’re going to live a long time……..andthenbecomezombievampireclonemutants….
Another lumbering and grungy monkey wrench in works is the one characteristic that distinguishes humans from other animals. That big ol’ noggeny brain of ours. You could be on your 5th 3d printed stomach, and your second pair of artificial nostrils, but what good will that do you if your brain is mush from drugs and other neurological diseases. 3D printing a brain is probably fairly far off……probably. It also raises some pretty interesting philosophical issues. If 3d printed brains are only 98.76 percent accurate, what does that mean for the person with this new almost brain of you? Will we need all these 3d printed brains to feed future zombies created by giant ear mutant mice? A lot of this depends on mathematical models of current statistical data. However, most statistics are 90% wrong. On the flip side, they do 3-D print organs and that should be a game changer.3dbioprinter

This is not your average Canon printer. 


As these biologically advanced experiments continue, we need to start preparing ourselves for some of the potentially hazardous outcomes. It could cause, in no particular order, the zombie apocalypse, vampire overlords,the collapse of social security, global disease, mutants, increase in food prices, more reality shows featuring the undead, really old mice, and the world record for ‘person with the most organs.’ It sounds crazy, but some of these technological advances are in theory going to change the way we view humanity, economics, halfzombiehalfcyborg human rights, law…basically everything So stay informed by watching as many television shows and movies – nothing prepares you for life quite like it.

SONY DSC

Hopefully we’ll have one of these around to help out. A part super, part zombie, part robotic dude with a sense of patriotism.

Now, if that didn’t sound wild enough, there’s so….MUCH……more. Have you heard about the singularity?(why am I asking, you can’t answer, and I’m going to tell you anyways) The singularity is basically when humans and machines will either merge or become totally indistinguishable. And guess what the fuck? That shit is supposed to be here in like 30 years. Yeah, 30 years. Cyborgs. Terminators. The Matrix. All that: 30 years!!!!!

arnold

He’ll be bak. Bak hahduh den befoa. 

When you buy a computer, in two years it sucks, because your friend just bought a computer and his is all dope? Well, if you take that exact phenomenon and multiple it by, I don’t know, a trillion or something, then the cyborg matrix happens. Years ago, scientists estimated that the internet had enough connections and computing power to be more complex and powerful than a human mind. Now its bigger…..by a lot. Games like 2nd life are creating virtual worlds(I actually don’t like this example, it gets used, and I know I’m being obtuse when I say this but, if you’re basing your singularity on a fucking video game, then you’re doing it wrong). We have people controlling arms with robotic implants. People already hear with cochlear implants. Retinal implantsare charging along fast. Plus there’s this . And this. So, like for real. Have you seen that goddamn dog robot run? Or the snake robot? Or the creepy people(I’m gonna be branded a robot bigot for this, aren’t I?) robots? We may not all be living in the matrix pretty soon, but at least we’re spending moneyto determine if we’re in one now (this goes without saying but I’ll say it again, anyways. Obviously, we’re in the fucking Matrix dude, you don’t really need to waste money on figuring it out – just look around you man). But, the line between human and robot has already moved toward blurry and is getting blurrier. AI is at least feasible now, pretty soon they’re probably going to figure out if it is actually possible or not. And I haven’t even brought up nanotechnology. Give that shit another 30 years. They haven’t done anything cool with it yet, but they’re trying to.Nanotechnology is like the human genome project of engineering, yeah, I know it’s supposed to be awesome, but when does that really start? On top of all that robotic craziness, there’s microchips in just about everything these days. At what point is this not just a world controlled by computers and people tapped into computers thru some medium?

bionic-arm-moved-by-thought-676958-

Like this incredible bionic arm, controlled by her brain.

However, like our good friends in the zombie/vampire/3d organ world, the singularity is also based on a trend that may not be all that it seems. The backbone of the singularity theory is Moore’s law. It’s the law that makes your friend’s computer way better than yours. Every 18 months the speed of computer hardware doubles and costs half as much. Computers are an incredibly fast moving technology. For the most part, the development of computer technology has followed Moore’s law (which in a way is somewhat creepy that it’s that predictable). However, we don’t really have evidence of any other measured system expanding exponentially forever. At some point it stops rising as fast. There are a few reasons why Moore’s law won’t hold up. For starters, in some way it has already faltered. When that big tsunami hit Japan, the prices of computer components actually went up and they still haven’t receded in the same way. The recession isn’t helping things. A research lab thinks they’ve gotten to the one atom limit for data storage. Then again, they’re working to come up with computer technology that is based on light instead of electricity. God knows when that will actually work. It may not be this incredibly fast, 30 year transition into full on cyborgs, like some people will have you believe. Technology is great, but then sometimes it isn’t. The internet is going to be a big deal, you heard it here first. It’s continuously touted as the amazing technology that brings us together. But evidence is showing that we’re becoming less interconnected in our real lives and this is causing depression, lack of empathy, and loneliness. We aren’t rising up as a singular people, we’re trolling, leaving snide comments, cat-fishing, watching porn, and updating Facebook on 4 different interfaces. Maybe we’re becoming more like robots than we think and we don’t even see it?

There are also a lot of issues caused by these singularity like events including but not exclusive to: robot rights, robot human sexual relations, whose a robot and who isn’t, the price of wd40, who gets first dibs on the screen names inside the matrix, and especially the robot Apocalypse. And finally (not really finally), you have a whole other group of scientists that says we’re poisoning the world and it will be completely uninhabitable in 30 years. So there’s that.

This may all sound wild and crazy. But in the future these issues are going to come up in some way or another. Like what, in the future, you’re not going to turn yourself into cyborg singularity or medical immortal? Because, A) you’re probably lying. 2) you can’t afford it because its not covered by Obamacare(that should still be a thing in the future). 3) you’re now part of the anti-cyborg zombie/vampire apocalypse movement. Welcome aboard, I’m the founding member…Doc. And you’re in the right place, for now. We’ll see. Maybe being a cyborg or a vampire/zombie will be awesome and there really is no reason to fear it. Although, ya know how being a cop isn’t all like on TV, I bet living in their new matrix isn’t actually all cool cars and black clothes and kung fu and Monica Bellucci. Real life is lame.

Have we hashed out the power move ramifications, yet? Remember (probably not) back when Bill Gates was just some guy, then he came out with Microsoft and that worked out pretty well for him? And Zuck wasn’t even being played by Jesse Eisenberg in a movie? The Google guys were just at school? At one point they were just people, then they became the next Rockefellers (except nobody out-Rockefellers, Rockefeller – original).. Who are our next billionaires? It’s probably not the current 3d organ printing guy. The savvy entrepreneur who figures out how to make much better, more awesome 3d organ printers, that dude, he’s about to stack some paper. I think being the owner of the matrix is going to be a major come-up. Think about if you created the matrix, you own like a majority of it. That’d be so sweet. Buy low on biotechnology stock that looks like it could create cyborgs. The first guy who ever does anything remotely cool with nanotechnology – he’ll have his foot in the door. Al Gore might benefit from this – he probably still has internet stock (Al Gore jokes will be hilarious in the coming centuries). People will probably still buy overpriced Mac software, it’ll just connect directly into their superior collocus instead.

What about sports? What’s going to happen the first time we have a second baseman with artificially constructed eyes? Or a power forward with a stem cell leg? What happens when the Westboro Baptist Churchstarts protesting the 3d organ printing plants and they show sad kids on TV who want, no need, those 3d printed organs? But then, the 3d printed organs cause the zombie apocalypse. Are we ready to live in a world in which the Westboro Baptist Church is actually right about something? I’m not.

Romance? Have you thought of dating a half human-half cyborg? Will they have their own dating sites? Obviously they’re going to have their own groupies and it’s going to be a fetish of some sort. If you watch Twilight, Vampire Diaries, zombie movies, date a foreigneror a consumer, or have ever masturbated to porn……then you might be one step away from a zombie/vampire, half human half cyborg three some. And once you take that step, film it, put it on the internet and let the world judge you.

Things may get really tense. Race relations have come a long way. I mean, the whole entire planet doesn’t hate each other. That’s some progress right? Maybe vampire/zombie and cyborg mixed race couples will help push the line more. Or maybe you need to become a cyborg just to fight those immortal bastards, or vice versa. Have you thought of that? People can be cruel about just about anything. Creating another difference could be devastating. Or it could spread so quickly it just becomes accepted rather instantly. But then wouldn’t you wonder about something that did spread that quickly? Like, who’s really controlling whom here? Probably no one, but you can never be too sure.

superbionic

Whoever has this badass piece of equipment will be in control.

Think about it from another point of view, some of the benefits could be, say, super powers. Flying, super strength, invincibility, super fast whatever. You know…powers. Could be badasssss…….That’s how they’re going to rope you into the 3d printed/cyborg/zombie/matrix orgy. Robot pussy, super powers, and creepy vampire dudes that all the chicks go for. They’ve started already. Actually, I just saw some random article about a Russian diplomat demanding Obama goes on record with the truth about aliens or he will. It was possibly a refutable source, but hey.

Vampire/zombies, robot apocalypse, and aliens. Maybe real life is about to get a lot more interesting. Not to mention quantum immortality. Never forget the power of quantum immortality. Oh you’re not up on quantum immortality. Basically, some physicists believe that there are infinite versions of us in infinite universes: all the possible outcomes from every single instance. It’s unfathomable, but they say it happens anyway. They base all this on an experiment where light goes thru two slits. They may have even had you try in high school. It may not seem like it proves infinite universes, but I guess it does. Since all possible outcomes are possible, in one of these universes you are immortal. Kinda like Highlanderor that Jet Li movie. Some may ask, well, if I’m already quantumly immortal, then what do I need with your uncouthed cyborgs and your tacky mutant mouse ears? That’s one way to think about it. Another, is for you to actually be quantumly immortal in one of the possible universes, you need this undead/matrix technology to achieve it. However, (there’s always a goddamn ‘however’), in theory, there should also be one universe in which you become immortal without the technology. Actually, since there are so many ways for you to be immortal, there are infinite versions of you that are immortal in all different ways. Great Korean Jebus! Does anyone think they should recruit all the immortal versions (all infinity of them) from all the different universes to help you take over this universe? No, yeah, no, nah, me neither, I don’t think like that.

bionic suit

NOT the Great Korean Jesus. 

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like we’re living in the twisted mind of some sci-fi nut? This coming world sounds ridiculously incredible. So much so, that you may just need to start questioning your sanity.

noclothes

So incredible that the future’s technology will take away the necessity for clothes, and in its place: bad ass weapons and nipple stickers. 

One aspect of all these developments that I find particularly interesting is how political leaders react to all of this. Our politicians can barely handle rudimentary tasks. Solar power. Not being totally corrupt. How to fix the debt. Working together. The laws and rights of regular non immortal, non human/cyborg people. Being knowledgeable. They fail at them all. So how I am I supposed to feel when you got these fools over on the other side saying, prepare yourselves for the future and everything that’s about to happen, its going to change humanity in ways we never have had to deal with before. That’s a lot. We can barely manage being humans, and now you’re making immortality vampire matrix worlds. How the fuck are we going to prepare ourselves for all of that? Repeat, these crooked swine swindlers can barely settle on the price of milk. What happens when someone throws a tough one at them like –an immortal vampire steals something from a half cyborg/human person from their matrix world account? At what point would the interest on the repayment to this entity and the future part matrix, part outer space, part regular worlds does it become a form of slavery and hence not right? How many robots will be part of Congress, how many zombies? These things are quite possibly – going to matter. A lot of that is speculative. The real stuff we can start to see before our very eyes. As it happens. People generally think it is cool that we have dog robots. The legalities and legal system of the matrix, are quite possibly being laid out as we speak. People love it that we can save someone’s life with a 3d organ. Blind people can see (sorta). Legislation will probably get in the way at some point. Talk to certain researchers and they’ll stamp up and down about the stem-cell research restrictions. I used to think that the politicians were just being ignorant. Then I realized that stem cells could quite possibly cause the zombie apocalypse. Which in many ways would definitely be awesome, but I think in general, we as a people would like to avoid complete disasters for our population. There’s a negative blow back on cochlear implants already. Deaf people have their own culture, and in a way, you’re changing who you really are. If you fix a deaf person, then it means that they have to give up part of their identity. It’s kinda like X-men, but with less super powers…….so far. Moore’s law doesn’t totally account for culture shock and unacceptance. It hasn’t had to yet, but wait until it does.

zombies

Don’t know about you, but this seems like a real hard pill to swallow. 

Although, I’m telling you to be cautious, most of the scientific/medical leaders strongly believe in these technological timelines. Now, I’m just some looney guy writing on a Grind Syndicate blog. These luminaries of industry, in theory, should be listened to by the powers that govern our country and world. No one seems to care even though these changes would potentially transform the world in absolutely unfathomable ways. You’d think they’d maybe try to get us ready for it. But no….they still can’t figure out gun control or even a rudimentary educational curriculum. To hell with 3d printed organs, these fools are just fighting over the ways we pay for flu vaccines.

Be aware: if you watch Twilight, zombie movies, go to the doctor, or use the internet…..the zombie/vampire/cyborgs may have already won.

When I asked our resident time traveling robot clone, Danny Edward All, what he thought of all this 3d organ printing nonsense, he reminded me that we’re all just clones anyways, so we’re already made up of 3d printed organs. That’s a pretty good point. I gotta say, when the headlines of respectable scientific publications make it sound like Danny All knows what he’s talking about, things have definitely passed the point of no return.

Unlike most articles, this isn’t a conspiracy theory, this is conspiracy fact. Very real scientists say this is going to happen. It’s already happening. Its 11pm, do you know where your kids are and whether they are a vampire/zombie or a cyborg? And what is that new alternate reality ‘game’ they’re all playing? Are they staking their claim in the new alter-world, that’s kinda going to be like buying low on Google, only for everything? Or is just some lame Pokemon vs Angry Bird/Sponge Bob uselessness? And you thought raising kids was tough before.

Doc PSA: Kids, this is why you should learn your science (but don’t believe any of their conclusions) so you can be prepared for future decisions in life. So study hard and go to a great university and waste a bunch of time and contribute to the student loan bubble. Paid for by the United States of America Education whatever, blah, blah………OK maybe they’ll just be highlander zombie nanotechnology’s in the fourth matrix – but that still could end up being cool.

more scienceSome mofuckin science, bitches.

Doctor Jeff, when he’s not busy being that crazy white guy on the street corner, wearing nothing but a sign bearing the coming of the apocalypse, is a moviemaker. For more into his crazy mind, check out Revolutionary Productions, and make sure to stay posted for his weekly edition, Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner!

2 comments

  1. joy

    without reading the about bit I guess you were one of those kids who wore the ‘where’s my f*ing jetpack’ teeshirts. the first 2/3 were readable.

  2. Pingback: Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner: In the future, we’re going to be biologically immortal or become cyborgs. Which one is it? Or both? | revolproductions

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