Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner #2: Fuck, Motherfuckin, Parkin Tickets

The opinions, conspiracy theories, regular theories, and pseudo-facts in this article are not necessarily shared or believed by the rest of the Grind Syndicate.  They are the sole creation of the overly connective neurons of Doctor Jeff and his slightly twisted mind  (hell, even he sometimes doesn’t even believe it, he’s just writing it to stir shit up).  The Doc does not confirm or deny that anything in here is actually fact, because even if he were to site a well respected or not so well respected source – they also could be lying and/or wrong, .  However, the contents herein will hopefully make you look at the world in a different way, give you something to think about, entertain the enlightened, and most definitely anger the brooding masses.



FUCK PARKING METERS.  If you live in the big city, you’ve dealt with parking meters before.  For the longest time, they only required a small amount of change and were a small pet peeve for every Los Angeleno. Like, everyone just carries around a bag full of change?  Then recently, they changed them to accept credit cards (and incidentally, so they wouldn’t break the same way if you stuck a paper clip in the slot, not that anyone would do that, but they fixed it anyways).  In a way, I should be commending their use of solar power. Then again, I look at it and think – so, the government won’t embrace solar power unless it is a way to screw over the citizens – awesome.  There’s something a little bit off about using a credit card at a parking meter.  Yes, it is convenient, but it almost feels like giving a homeless guy a dollar by swiping your credit card thru his reader.  There’s a disconnect between the actual transaction process and what you are purchasing.  But what really bothers me about this system is that the city is charging you to rent out a ‘wonderful’ piece of real estate: the side of the road.  And yet, somehow our roads are a bumpy, treacherous obstacle course and littered with trash, as if the streets of LA were a huge garbage dump (even tho we have street sweeping every week – more tickets!!!!). When you think of how much a solar powered, credit card reading, parking meter costs, plus the cost of the guy who has to come around to get the change, and the wages for the army of parking enforcement swarming Los Angeles, they’re not actually making all that much of a profit. It is a system created to feed its own damn self. They’re just wasting a good amount of money and collecting sum.  Great job guys!



As humans, it is in our nature to make mistakes. But when a small, miniscule mistake, such as getting to your car five minutes late, makes you pay, boy does it suck.  If you’ve ever parked at a meter, then you almost definitely have had that experience.  You know the one:  you walk up to your car, hoping nothing will be there.  Then you see it.  Maybe the local cleaning service left a flier on your windshield……  Oh, how wonderful that would be! But alas, no, it’s a parking ticket.  $58!!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck…..uckkkkkkk!!!!!!  Now, let’s re-examine this.  Obviously, that spot isn’t worth $58.  Hell, it’s hardly worth the $2 you already paid.  Maybe, you just left your car there forever, throwing caution to the wind, but I doubt too much of the money they get is from people just leaving their car there all blasé, because we, as citizens, know we’re going to get a ticket.  No, usually it’s from a simple error.  The parking enforcement that comes around, wouldn’t be profitable, unless you fail and they over tax you for it. Which is kind of screwed up.  The government should be helping you to do better, not punishing you for making a simple mistake.  We don’t really have this type of terrible thinking in too many other places.  In theory (sadly I have to use that disclaimer), for example, the police don’t go chasing down people who make a small mistake.  They should be preventing and punishing real criminals (the sad reality is that they are more interested in writing speeding tickets, than solving crimes, because one makes money and the latter costs money).  Most robbers, arsonists, murderers, and rapists don’t accidentally commit their crimes.  The type of person who commits crimes is usually immoral and kind of damaged, making them a detriment to society.  Hell, if it is an accident, you can usually beat the charges (or if you’re rich enough to pay for high priced lawyers that will bend the laws for you – either/or).  But if you forget to put 25 cents in a meter, then you definitely need to be punished according to the parking enforcement.  What if you’re the guy from Memento?  That’s fucked up. Should he get a new tattoo that says ‘remember to pay parking meter'(although he probably gets handicapped parking)? The theoretical awesome police that do their job, punish people who really deserve punishing.  Parking enforcement punishes people that make mistakes, this is two distinctly different modes of operation.  You know who doesn’t make mistakes? Robots</a> . So that’s basically what they’re telling us, they’d much rather prefer we were robots.  Lovely.  Punishing people for making simple mistakes is ridiculous.  It has terrible consequences on their psyche and makes them resent and distrust the government. But wait, it gets worse.


Within this magical envelope, contains the power to screw over a person’s day, maybe even life.

If the $1 or $2 an hour was a ripoff, the ticket you got is even more of a ripoff! But no, they’re not done yet.  If you can’t pay the ticket on time (which is understandable, seeing how Wall Street fucked up our  economy, the government just let it happen, and the plan to boost the economy is to fine our citizens with ridiculous tickets), it gets worse. They will double the fine on your ticket. This is actually a fairly interesting course of action for a few different reasons.  It’s illegal for other entities to charge such high late fees.  That’s why your landlord can’t do it.  You see, the courts have recognized that charging ridiculous late fees is immoral and unfair(unless the traffic court is doing it). It also kind of sucks, because more than likely, you didn’t pay that ticket because you couldn’t.  Which also means, you probably can’t pay up double that amount of money, neither.  However, you might not have paid it on time because you both consciously and subconsciously don’t respect the government. And why would you?



In the fall of last year, the United States’ AAA investment rating was downgraded.  The two major reasons were our struggling economy and our leaders couldn’t agree on a course of action to fix things.  Instead of coming together and realizing that they were sending a bad message to the world, representatives of both parties publicly blamed the other party.  The police don’t really seem to do their jobs, your teachers lie to you, college is bullshit, your job sucks, the politicians are lying, corrupt, and incompetent.  We go to ‘wars’ with other countries that most citizens don’t agree with.  The government seems more like a nuisance than a benefit.  Maybe it’s better to have them in place instead of nothing at all, but it’s somewhat easy to see how you could have a much better system.  All of this ineptitude causes the people (the awesome people at least) of this country to not believe in the powers that be.  This disbelief in authority figures, along with an understanding deep inside you, that you really shouldn’t have to pay that parking ticket, may just cause you to not pay it on time (which ends up being a terrible move, since now you have to pay double).  Then again, if you don’t pay it, you can’t renew your registration, and you will get you pulled over, granting you a much fatter ticket this time (there actually used to be a grace period for getting your registration renewed, but then they realized they could make way more money by getting rid of it….so they did). Yearly registration is fairly ridiculous as it is.  Mainly, it is just so the government can make money by fining people, and also another reason to give the police to write tickets.  Basically, it is what we’re all looking for in public policy (hint: sarcasm).


What people actually want out of public policy is planning and guidance to steer this huge mass of people, commerce, buildings, and resources into the right direction.  But that’s not really what we get, is it? Instead, we get something like the removal of an effective public transportation system.  If you’ve ever seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and paid attention, or know your Los Angeles history – then you know that we used to have a trolley system.  Supposedly it was great.  There was one little problem.  Car companies weren’t selling enough cars.  Back then, personal cars were a novel concept.  People were used to riding public transportation.  Plus, cars were expensive.  So what happened?  The car companies bought up the trolley and got rid of it.  Los Angeles was seen as an important battle ground for the car companies.  LA was all over television shows and movies.  If the rest of the country saw us all driving cars, then they would follow suit.  And they did.  It didn’t really matter that an entire portion of the city, that was once prosperous, was left to rot away because the people who lived there no longer had a way to get to work.  Hello, Progress!  Now, this was a complete dick move on the car companies part, but what really set the whole thing off was the poor city planning to accommodate all these cars.  Hey, I get it, ya’ll want to make money and want us to buy cars.  How ’bout, ya know, providing us with someplace to park all these cars?  Or not.

And lastly, (something that always pisses me off and will be a running theme in these articles) these ridiculous policies hurt the poor and middle class the most.  For starters, rich people don’t really have to worry about a 60 dollar ticket – they just wiped their asses with 60 dollar toilet paper.  Secondly, they usually don’t have to park at meters as much (however, they do tend to pay those parking structure fees, but I’m sure they will get through that economic hardship).  They always have money to pay the tickets so they don’t have to worry about the double charge.  Plus, they probably tend to believe in the system, because this nepotistic, corrupt, and reward-the-biggest-douchebag-society of ours has worked out okay for them (some rich people are awesome, but most of them are complete fuckoffs).  We have enough problems with the difference in the economic classes – we don’t need parking tickets to contribute as well.

hilaryduggChris Brown Arriving At LAX Airport

Hilary Duff and Chris Brown are straight chillin’

Let’s just say, I don’t know, if a bunch of young people (because young people are great at this stuff) went around and painted over the solar power panels on the meters or the light that flashes telling the meter maid to ticket you – I wouldn’t mind.  Hell, if you started sticking politically revolutionary stickers over them, then I really wouldn’t mind.  It would be like our own little Boston Tea Party – but in LA(holla).  I mean really, why should we continue to support a system that really seems like it has ABSOLETELY NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING EXCEPT TO SCREW OVER THE CITIZENS OF OUR COUNTRY?!?!   It doesn’t really need mentioning, but I’ll say it anyways: Who is behind this conspiracy?  The city of Los Angeles, the traffic court, the companies that make the parking meters, and the meter maid unions.   HOLD ON!!! STOP THE PRESSES!!! THIS JUST IN FROM THE WIDE WORLD INTERWEB!!!! METER MAIDS MAKE $100,000 A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!  (fuck, the imperialist swine has already won.)   Combined, they’ve conspired to fuck you over and steal your hard earned money.  Those bastards.  Fuck parking meters.


Hopefully, you know what these signs mean. Cus I don’t. Fuck parking signs too.

Doctor Jeff, when he’s not busy being that crazy white guy on the street corner, wearing nothing but a sign bearing the coming of the apocalypse, is a moviemaker. For more into his crazy mind, check out Revolutionary Productions, and make sure to stay posted for his weekly edition, Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner!



  1. Pingback: Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner #2: Fuck, Motherfuckin, Parkin Tickets | revolproductions
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  3. Pingback: Doc’s Crazy Conspiracy Corner: In the future, we’re going to be biologically immortal or become cyborgs. Which one is it? Or both? | revolproductions

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